HOW TO HANDLE BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS WHEN YOU SUFFER FROM ANXIETY

Like most of my blog posts, today’s post was inspired by something that happened to me recently. I was speaking to a fellow creator during a lunch meeting last week, and she mentioned that she does a talk with other creators about handling the mean girls of the internet.

So, today I want to focus the blog post on how to process catty, backhanded remarks or rude comments when you have anxiety. In the digital world we’re living in, it is easy to get wrapped up in rude comments and unkind exchanges, so I hope this will help anyone who deals with this frequently!

​First, let me define what a backhanded remark or compliment is.

​Being from the South, I’m well versed in both giving and receiving these remarks, though I’m hoping that I can control the giving of them after my most recent exchange.

I’m not certain where it gets its name, but I’m thinking that, because the back of your hand is usually softer and more sensitive than the palm, it means that the compliment or remark will hurt, but won’t hurt too bad.
 
Let me give some examples:

Ex. 1: Whenever you take photos, I always think you’ve lost so much weight.
        But it’s really the angle, isn’t it?
 
Ex. 2: Your Instagram makes your life seem so fun!
 
Ex. 3: Wow, you’re so pretty for a (insert race or body type here) girl.

​So, now that you understand, let’s get in to the way that you should respond when people say these types of things to you!

​1: ABSORB THE COMMENT

​Whenever something is said to you that seems kind of backhanded (like a compliment that is also an insult), take some time to absorb what was said. Think about it for a few seconds before responding. Was it offensive, or are you extra sensitive today?

​2: DON’T RETURN THE JAB, BUT DON’T BE NICE

We all have someone in our lives who gives us some backhanded compliment or says something rude to us nearly every day. When I was growing up, I was always told I should “kill ‘em with kindness.” I agree with this to some extent, especially if the person is a one-time offender.

But for those repeaters, I don’t think you should respond by being kind. This makes it seem as though you are OK with the exchange and how they treated you. But returning the jab only lowers you to their level. Instead, respond neutrally or don’t say anything at all after the initial exchange.

​3: TELL THEM YOU NEED TO PROCESS

I’m don't always see the bad in people’s intentions. If someone says something  backhanded, I usually say something nice and move on to later obsess over the exchange and realize that it wasn’t as nice as I thought it was. If someone says something to you that you're not sure of, try telling them that you’re not sure exactly how their comment made you feel, and you need some time to process it to think about it.

​4: TAKE THE TIME TO PROCESS

In your free time, or right after it happens, take some time to think about the exchange. Ask yourself questions like: “Was I being too sensitive? If I witnessed this exchange between two other people, would it make me uncomfortable? Was this professional (if it happened at work)? 

How would any other person respond to this? Why does this exchange make me feel uncomfortable, sad, or angry? What were the intentions of the person who made the comment? Were they trying to help me or hurt me?”

​5: ADDRESS THE EXCHANGE

Only if you feel comfortable, I would suggest addressing the exchange with the person who made the comment. Either tell them how you initially interpreted it and tell them you feel like your gut assumption was wrong, or tell them how you interpreted their comment and how it made you feel.

 If they care about you, they will care about how they made you feel. You can adjust the amount of time you spend working with or hanging around the person based on how they make you feel. Some people are naturally offensive, and may not really care if they hurt you. 

If the person who made the comment is someone with whom you have to work with, and the situation is bad enough in your opinion, you can always go to your human resources officer and let them know how you handled the situation, what your processing revealed to you, and how your address about the exchange went. 
 
Usually, to keep the peace at work, HR will try to change schedules around so that there isn’t much confrontation.

I ​HOPE THIS HELPS

​I really found that processing something instead of immediately reacting with questions, frustration, and anxiety about what went down is best. This can be super difficult for people who struggle with anxiety because we can’t really control how something messes with our mental health, and it can leave us in a funk all day.
 
I found that talking to friends and trusted family members helps when trying to process and address the exchanges that make you feel uncomfortable.