I always hesitate to share anything about my mental health because it is still so taboo amongst the Christian community I find myself surrounded by. However, all of my followers know that I have anxiety.
I can remember not eating for almost a week as a kid because I saw something on TV about food poisoning and people who died from it. My family was concerned and tried to convince me to eat a little bit here and there. I also remember, for some reason, being scared to die when I went to sleep. I remember patting my hand on the bed or counting in a hushed whisper until I fell asleep. My logic: if I’m moving or speaking, I know I’m not dead.
When I was young, I didn’t tell my family about that last bit. Death is still hard for me, so much so that I don’t want to go into it even in this blog post.
I also desperately tried to keep the newspaper alive. In my junior year, there was another student, who was older and had already had a job in communications in the real world, who wanted the chance to be the editor. Despite two years of experience and so much dedication that I would skip class to finish laying out the paper, they chose her. She had constantly dragged my name and made fun of the newspaper while I was the editor, but when she came to me to tell me she was having a tough time, I heard her out and helped her when I could.
Even if it means running myself into the ground to help people or organizations I love, or even people or organizations that have done me wrong, I will do it. But people take advantage of that.
Lately I’ve been anxious over seeing the bad guys of my world flourish. I see that person who makes coworkers cry getting tons of interactions on social media.
I’ve seen family members who have ruined their relationship with me start a new life and do nothing to involve me without being convinced to do so by other family members.
I’ve helped and helped and helped and still gotten chewed out for not being capable of or not feeling up to doing one thing. I’ve had people use my kindness (and credit score) to rent a house only for them to leave it in a terrible condition. I’ve had people who let their promises fade because they knew I wouldn’t be super aggressive about it. I’ve had people take advantage of my kindness for car rides or something to do on a Saturday night. I’ve had church officials tell me my illness isn’t an excuse to miss events, even when it makes me double over in pain.
I’ve had people tell me that I can’t have faith in God and have anxiety, despite the fact that Jesus was so anxious in the Garden before his death that he sweat blood.
I’ve had people tell me that it is wrong to be in love with someone who isn’t the same color as me. I’ve heard people repeat exactly what I’ve said and be praised for their thoughts because I didn’t want to speak up and risk getting in trouble at my job.
the ground. If you suffer from anxiety, I hope you are able to get help or at least get a few people in your life who you feel comfortable talking to. If you don't have anyone, feel free to connect with me on social media. I'm not a counselor, but I will always chat with you!
LEGAL: All photos are my own or taken from Pixabay, a creative commons website that requires no attribution for photo use.